Friday, April 10, 2015

Not a Grand Love Story

Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss

Wow, this topic looks fun!
Where should I start? My first love and first kiss… well as a matter of fact, it’s with different person, the first love and the first kiss.

My first kiss was when I were in junior high school, I believe. But when we talk about a “kiss” kiss here… the one that makes you want to squeak and make you unable to sleep for three nights in a row, it happened when I was 16 years old. So let’s talk about that one, because the one before that was just a stupid quick peck and oh my God it was so awkward. I even feel awkward just thinking about it now.
So when I was 16, I know this guy, who is way older than me… I’m 16, he’s 21. I know him as a good friend of my friend. We’re such a good friend, me and him—yes, just friend. We did went for a few dates… hell, we went out together so many times actually. We went out for movies, lunch, dinner, coffee… well you name it. He even spend few times hang out at my house, my family know him pretty well. We’re practically a couple already, but the age difference made us a little bit uncomfortable. So I think that’s why we’re not officially dating at that time. Which I think is such a stupid reason, isn't age is just a number? And honestly, except the number, he’s only bring out the best in me. But what’s the stupid 16 me know at that time, huh?
So yeah, we end up just goofing around… just a casual friendship. Until one night, it was rainy, and he stuck at my house after he walked me home from our dinner date. It was around 10-ish and the rain stopped around midnight. We end up spend the time talking in my living room, while watched some television. And even until today I still remember that feeling, the sad and hopeless feeling because you know you can’t have someone and you know the end is near. He said that he enjoy being with me, and I do too, I said that to him. Then he ask me, “Do you see we’re going anywhere?” And I said, no, I’m not. He know me so well, he realized that I’m too young for any serious relationship, I still got a lot to do with my life and he didn't think he can deal with that. He don’t want to be my obstacles… after that, he kissed me, a sweet and tender kiss that I know I won’t forget forever.
And that’s that. My first kiss.
After that we kind of growing apart, we still hang out few times after that night but as he said, I’m still too young and what he said become true… not long after that I found a new life and a new love. I even forget I was sad because of him, and I feel really thankful that he give me that room to grow instead of pushing me into a supposedly unhealthy relationship that he know I won’t be happy with.
Last time I hear, he’s now happily married and he just having his first child. So thank you, you… for being such a good friend and teach me that love don’t need to be selfish, love is making each other happy, even if it’s not with each other. :)

And how about my first love?
It happened not long after my first kiss. And this is a funny—slightly heartbreaking—kind of first love.
After we first met, a very teenager-ish kind of meeting though, we met at a basketball match. We become a really, really good friend. And we’re friend for a very long time, around 7 years on my last count. And both of us just realized that we’re actually in love with each other on the 4th years of our friendship. And on that 7 years, we both already get in and get out on other relationships for so many times. 
So what that makes us? Stuck in a friend zone, yes.
And from that, things got pretty damn complicated. He, in one hand, asked me to bring our relationship to a new level. While me, in another hand, was being such a coward, firmly stood on my opinion that if we bring our relationship to that new level, it will only bring badness for us… we could get in a fight and we going to break up, and there will be no relationship at all between us.
That argument kinda create a distance between us… him with his life, and me with mine. After a considerate amount of time, we finally back on track and successfully push back our feeling, and be friend as we used to be—which is I realize later... is impossible.
Until one day, karma slaps me right in my face, and I realized, oh my God, I’m deeply in love with him… that feeling still linger and there’s nothing I can do about it. Because I’m the one who brought that friendship crap, and he’s already in a serious relationship at that time. So yeah, we did discussed it, I brace myself to tell him all my feeling. And in the end, we choose to separate for good. So either way, the thing I’m afraid of really did come true, there is no relationship at all in the end.
Well, I took it as a lesson. In love and war, you win or you lose.

So my first kiss and my first love both end up at dejected town. But no regret, just lesson learned and it did made me wiser anyway. Those experiences sure hurt yet I cherish it very much, and it’s all in the past anyway. And someday, I will love again… I will create another grand love story, and hopefully the next one will end up with happily ever after.

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