Saturday, October 24, 2015

An Open Letter

It's been a long time since the last time I open this blog, let alone writing anything. But I'm here today to tell a story, a story about me, a story I don't remember I've ever dare to tell out loud before.
People often see me as a badass, one heck of super girl who live like there's nothing could go wrong in her life. The fact is, there was some moments in my life where I actually facing a complete opposite situation from that label everyone seen me asa situation where there's nothing going right in my life.
Granted to live for this past 25 years, my life is an insanely extreme rollercoaster. I've been taste the best thing life could offer and I too have been taste how is it like to hit a rock bottom; I was once a rich spoiled little girl who can have anything I want in this world and I also was once become so poor to the point my family go bankrupt; I know how it feel to be surrounded by a bunch of friendsboth fake and real and I do know how it feel like to be alone in the time when you need a shoulder to cry on the most; I was once an arrogant youngster and I also was once become very intimidated by life, by people more superior than me; I know how is it feel to be loved and I know how is it feel to be broke into pieces.
Yes, I know.
No, I'm not saying that I live the most miserable life on earth.
It's just that I come to realize that my life is not an easy life and it's gonna be getting even more harder in the future.

About a month ago, I have a mental breakdown. The situation that so bad that it had me experience my first ever panic attack in my lifeso close to a depression. For days I was short at breath, I couldn't think straight, I cried a lot, and I feel like it's better to just poison myself so I can get it all over with.
And I've never been feel so vulnerable before, like I merely a transparent figure in this huge, harsh world and how invisible I am. Just a fragment of dot in the universe.
I feel unimportant and I lost my purpose in life. I don't even know what I want, except for the world to stop spinning and to let myself drown in my own confusion.
It took me some time to recover from that meltdown, for me to get back on my feet. To finally gather the courage to face other people and to face life again. And of course to admit that my world is fall apart, I need to get my shit together all over again.

Maybe this is what people call as a quarter life crisis, but I don't know if it's happened to other person as badly and extreme as it happened to me. I hope not, though... now that I know how hard it is to overcome the situation.
It's so hard that I'm not sure I already fully recovered from that meltdown moment even until this second. That obliviousness pounded so deep in my heart and in my brain that I know it's gonna leave a scar anyway, a scar named a turning point. That once or twice in a lifetime moment where after life slap you hard in the face it made you realize the only way to getaway is by change the way you think, they way you feel, and the way you live.
They said there's a sunshine after the rain, well, I don't see any ray of sunshine in my life yet. It's still all foggy, I'm still trying to figure things out. Yet one thing I'm very aware is, stuck in this bad place is not an option and I need to move forwardof course, easier to be said than done.
And also, this is just a beginning... the pressure is on and it's going be on and on for the rest of my life. Frankly speaking, I'm not ready yet. But life is not according to me, life got its own way and I have to deal with it anyway. Hence I don't have control on how my life gonna goes on, I do have control over myself... to not let myself get anymore meltdown, to be stronger and to be braver. Most of all, I want to be happy.

It took a lot of courage for me to write this post, I know I've been writing about myself quite a lot but it never been this personal, this is an open letter for myself.
And I'm writing this not because I seek for attention nor to put myself on pathetic act. I write this as one of many ways to heal myself, to let it all out, to admit that my life is never as perfect as I once ever dreamed. To remind myself that I'm not that special, I'm only human... an ordinary person living an ordinary, albeit, rather rocky life.
I also know that I'm not the only who suffer, everybody fighting their own fight. But dear me, dear my fellow 20-something out there... let's at least try to win the fight. I don't know how and when, but later in the future let's look back to this day and smile, because we all gonna survive, somehow.

P.S. This is my magic quote: "She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that's importantyou know."

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